This post has been a long time coming. The title has been in my head since I decided to leave my marriage back in 2014.
I’m writing this both as a celebration of a long and emotional journey and as a reminder to anyone else who is on the brink that things will get better if you are prepared to do the work.
Roll back a couple more years and 2012 is when I first realised that things weren’t really going well. I did all I could to rescue our sinking ship. Nothing changed. Perhaps that’s what marriage was – accepting that things didn’t always go your way and you just had to live with it.
But I knew deep down that wasn’t true. My parents have been happily married for over 45 years and they’re definitely not faking it.
I knew I was slowly dying inside while keeping up appearances on the outside.
I was the lowest I have ever been.
DISCOVERING THE DESIRE MAP
2013. A chance Facebook post from someone I admire mentioned a program she had taken called The Desire Map. And being May, Danielle had a ‘pay what you can’ sale on the program. It was the only way I felt I could spend money on it and I signed up.
I devoured the material that arrived in each email and cried countless tears as I realised that I really was “worthy of my desires”; that I did have a choice in how I was treated and how I lived my life.
I filled in the workbook and I choked as I discovered just how far from being a reality my core desired feelings (CDFs) actually were.
– GRATEFUL – INSPIRED – CONNECTED – AUTHENTIC – PROSPEROUS –
These five words said it all. I wanted to feel all of them but felt empty and alone and had no idea how to get to them.
So, I decided to do something about it.
TIME TO WORK
Knowing how I wanted to feel allowed me to start making changes. Very small ones at first, but changes nonetheless. And my focus was on ME – on how I could change – not trying to change my husband.
It was then that I realised that of all my CDFs, AUTHENTIC was the word that I needed to work on the most because it was the one I had stuffed down deep inside and ignored for so long. Turns out being a sweary Aussie wasn’t what my husband signed up for, so I’d hidden the real me to fit into his world. Stupid huh? No use getting upset about it but it was time to reveal myself once again.
At this stage, I hadn’t given up on my marriage and thought that as I shone more brightly we would reconnect and grow together. But my new-found purpose only made it more difficult to connect as I realised just how different we were on almost everything.
I became grateful for what I already had in my life and gave thanks every day for the many small blessings that made my life bearable. It was tough, but all real change is.
2014. Working daily on how I wanted to feel gave me permission to think positively instead of negatively, to see myself as a survivor and not a victim, to be grateful for all the little things I had in my life and not moan about what was missing. And over New Year my CDFs changed…
– ABUNDANT – INSPIRED – AUTHENTIC – CONNECTED – RADIANT –
Authenticity became my main theme, supported by my other CDFs.
SHARING WITH OTHERS
During this year I also felt the call to share this work with others. If my self-confidence and strength were improving then perhaps I could help others too. Synchronistically, Danielle LaPorte launched her Desire Map Bookclubs and I jumped straight in as a facilitator.
Although it was voluntary and unpaid, I knew that this was it. I had found my tribe and I knew that this is the direction I wanted my business and life to go in.
And then it happened…
MY WAKE UP CALL
20 November 2014.
A dated etched in my brain as the day I lost a truly amazing friend. In fact, he was more like a little brother than a friend.
Every day I got to see photos of his lovely daughter on Facebook – no mistaking how much he adored her and his wife.
The day before I had been chatting to him online. That day I found out he had died.
That day I realised that I couldn’t live my life being miserable. I knew I had to do something.
You see, he had it all and his life was cruelly cut short. I had so much to be thankful for, but couldn’t waste another second wishing for better days with someone who clearly didn’t want them with me. My grief helped me get even more clear on what I wanted.
2015 was going to be life changing!
BECOMING A FACILITATOR
Over the years I’ve learned that when you ask the Universe for something, it always delivers.
I wanted to continue my Desire Map work but being a voluntary thing it was difficult to fit in with everything else I already did. If only there was a way of using this amazing tool in my work.
Cue Danielle launching The Desire Map Licensing Program. Divine timing. I jumped straight in. I was pumped and ready to share this with the world.
But one thing was bugging me.
I would soon be hosting workshops and guiding other women to listen to their deepest desires; helping them create lives they adore, but my marriage was looming over me like a black cloud. I knew I had to do something.
In January 2015 after a huge argument, I found the strength to speak my truth.
I WANTED OUT.
His response was simple acceptance. That was it.
“Speaking your truth is the most powerful truth we all have.” Oprah Winfrey
A YEAR OF UPHEAVAL
2015 was hard but it was also liberating. Even though we were in the same house for most of it, my CDFs were guiding me and I was becoming more authentic daily. I felt like I could be myself for the first time in almost a decade.
My first Desire Map Workshop was fantastic and it felt great to walk my talk.
As our old farmhouse went on the market in May of that year my CDFs changed again:
– AUTHENTIC – CONNECTED – ABUNDANT – CHERISHED – ALOHA –
I was ready for the next step. My CDFs were bolder – I mean Aloha? Really? I felt nervous but excited for the next chapter in my life.
With the help of my amazing friends here in the UK and Australia and my family, I started to believe in myself again. I felt that I really was loveable and that I could learn from this experience and there was definitely more to come.
In December my kids and I finally moved to a cute little townhouse, which I still adore (mainly because I no longer had to shower in a garage and we have heating!) and I began building a new life.
NEW LIFE = NEW CDFS
Roll on 2016. A new year and a new start. I sat down once again to go through The Desire Map, as is my practice, and this time my words changed completely…
– DEEP – BLISS – INFINITE – MAGIC –
These CDFs gave me hope. They raised my vibration and made me feel that anything was possible.
There was still a way to go in working out the details of the separation and under UK law I had to wait 2 whole years to file for divorce.
But I was out. I was no longer walking on egg-shells and having to choose every word I said carefully. I was no longer feeling controlled or manipulated.
25 APRIL 2018
The day my divorce papers came through my letterbox. As an Aussie, this date is also really important to me as it’s ANZAC Day – a day we commemorate our fallen service men and women and all those who serve for our freedom. So it was fitting that on that date I was also finally free.
My CDFs had remained the same since 2016 but I now added this word:
– FREE –
“Awareness is realizing that our life could always be better. Growth is doing what it takes to make it better. When we choose the positive over the negative, liberation over repression, truth over illusion, we become real creators.” – Danielle LaPorte
I had Desire Mapped my way to divorce…
WHERE TO NEXT?
I don’t know what the future holds. What I do know is that I am the happiest I have been in many years. My kids are settled, healthy and happy and still see their dad regularly. We have found a way that works.
I’m excited to see what happens next and my CDFs will continue to be a big part of helping me navigate the coming years to live my truth.
And if you’re lost and looking for a way to make the changes in your life that you need to make, you know where I am.